I don't remember there being a dandelion season. But days on days, countless tufts of white fluff have floated through the air like gentle spring snow or tiny feathers of faeries. They gather on my eyelashes tiny, lazy wishes and I wonder if they are each one being granted.
That morning, I awoke to one simple sentence in my inbox that threw my well-intentioned plans and imaginations for the next 4 - to 30 - years to the wayside. I realized that the lacquered door I had been knocking at for months until my knuckles bled had always been bolted shut. When I finally turned away in cold clarity, I was shocked to find right beside it a door open ajar just enough for me to slip through.
Yes, it hurts that my best - truly, my best - was not enough and that I was last pickings, a theme that I may never escape from. It's hard not to feel like all this time, energy, money, and tears were wasted. It's shameful that I was the only one who believed I was suited for my dream. With bitter gratitude, I know that I am being protected from the future that I could never anticipate. This I know, that I can trust that there's more to the story.
So, I'm still at the threshold and haven't taken my shoes off yet, but it's warm in here. Voices I don't recognize yet are calling me in. Soft music is playing around the corner, and there are big windows that let in the light and the breeze. It's now that I realize deep down what my feeble prayers have been asking - for some place to finally be like home. For a place where I can be myself, and be at peace. To one live fully, without having to sacrifice other precious parts of myself or parts of my forever. For somewhere I can grow roots, where there's room for someone else to grow with and alongside me. That's all I want.
A simple talk about my pursuit of OBGYN turned into sharing of faith and the other person's recent struggles with miscarriage. His story was so poignant, and reminded me why I wholeheartedly chose the field. I remembered the joys in the simple and the profound, and the struggles that I had discovered the heart to bear. And yet, this moment scare me, because it re-kindled my passion. As of late I had been coming to terms - even becoming content - with the idea of ending up in another specialty if I went unmatched. I worry that if it's not meant to be, that I won't be able to tame down those flames while I'm on another path, and that I might always be looking back.
