One week of orientation and two weeks of classes later, I'm still not sure where I am or what I'm doing.  Am I really in medical school?  Am I really going to be a doctor after all of this?

It felt like it had truly "begun" on the first day once one of the deans inserted "Do No Harm" into his speech.  We were all called to this great standard, a 24/7 role that is both a privilege and a great burden to bear with humility.  I wonder what sort of overwhelming responsibilities God has in store, and I just pray He can help me carry them.

The White Coat Ceremony was on my birthday - August 9 - as if God had been planning it this way all along.  One year older, one year stronger, on the path that He had led me to and molded me for since day one.  The white coat finally started to feel like it fit my shoulders.  As my family was able to be there with me, it really felt like their accomplishment as well.

Since this is grad school, everyone is in a wide range of stages of life.  Out of college, married, with kids, leaving long-term jobs... which makes it difficult to try and relate sometimes.  It's a learning curve, figuring out how to make friends again in the real world sans-dorms, ice breakers, and small classes.  I've never been all that good at small talk and even worse at mingling, so I find myself retreating back into my shell.  There are some inherent parts of yourself that maybe you just can't shake.  For me, it's the constant voice in my ear saying people will be bored of me that keeps my mouth closed and eyes forward.  No one here knows my story... and perhaps no one ever really will.

And since I never had a chance to earn my Mrs. Degree in undergrad, I was hoping that I could make up for it now.  But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen, either.  Literally 50% of everyone in my cohort is married.  On an even more fundamental level, I just don't feel like I'm noticeable here, and there have been no sparks of chemistry.  I don't know how this real-world dating thing works or if I even have the courage to try.  

There have been so many "firsts" - OPP lab (which just ends up being a super awkward, unskilled massage), anatomy lab (where we "met" the people who generously donated their bodies), eight hour straight lecture days (which are only twice a week, thankfully), coffee jitters...  I'm still just trying to wrap my head around HOW to go about balancing all this, not even the material itself.  Many days, I just feel completely lost - What are we doing, Where are we supposed to be, We were supposed to bring/read/complete/go to that today...?  The more I read, the more it sinks in just how much I don't know.

Sometimes there are moments where the clouds clear off.  When I take the wrong exit and end up surrounded by fruit orchards.  When my lab partner sits with me to make sure I'm okay.  When I walk around the store and realize that any one of these people could be my patients one day.