I'm not entirely sure if life is ever going to get easier from here on out.  There are a lot of periods of contentment, but in between when the tough times do come, they get more and more intense with each year.  That's an ominous prospect.  I just feel like I've been barely treading water ever since last summer.

The past two weekends have been full of traveling and interviewing, and I have to say they've been emotionally exhausting.  Already going in knowing that your odds are so small, and that there's nothing that you can control except maybe your own composure.  With such a short time to "sell" myself, and in a scrutinized position, I don't think I've ever been able to really show myself as I am to any good degree.  The main reason why my nursing interview went so well was because we spent over an hour and a half on the phone, versus 5-15 minutes across from people whose names I could hardly catch.  I'm not sure if this is something I will ever be able to get over - the lack of an elevator speech, and the weak first impression.

Maybe to some degree there's just no fighting what you haven't been made to do.  There's only so much you can change about yourself to give them what they want.

What good does it do, deliberately putting yourself through to repeatedly falling short, wasting all that money?  So then what is all this effort going towards, a dream that I already said goodbye to a year ago?  Have I come out of this trial any stronger?  I don't know... I'm just tired and fed up.

I know this is how the real world works but maybe I'm not cut out for it.

I'm not ready for the empty, haphazard world of dating that apparently all people my age are building their expectations around.  I can't imagine being with someone just because it sort of works for the moment.  I need someone who I can grow with and vice versa in ways that neither of us could do alone.  I don't want to be an accessory.  I want to experience life with them, good and bad.  I want to know each other's ins and outs and still be able to discover more, years and years later.  If not, then I don't want any of it.

I'm scared that those I care about most are taking life for granted when it's so short.  That they're allowing themselves to be broken.

One good thing that came out of this, I suppose, is that sometimes fights are necessary.  They can unearth things you'd never expect, like love.