Honestly, I don't know if I have a real dream anymore.  I've gone through several of them, to have them all flatly pan out - ballet at age 6 because of bad muscle cramps, medicine (most likely) during college due to self doubt, teaching in Korea which I rejected a couple months ago because the economy is failing and I need something secure...  As much as these sound like excuses, it's not a waste to be grateful for what opportunities I HAVE been given, even if they aren't what I've conjured up in my mind.

I don't want to be consumed with my career, because there's so much more out of life that I want.  But I'm going to need a good career to give me the chance to have those other things.  All of these scattered dreams are a part of me - intelligence and forwarding the world, romanticism and curiosity, the regimental mastering of an art - I can't ignore anything.  And I can't deny the satisfaction I get from a finished garment, the automatic draw I've always had towards fashion, and the visceral reactions I have towards special pieces of clothing.  But what good does that do, in the long run?

The hard reality is that hobbies can't turn into careers for everyone.  Only those who are lucky and smart find a successful niche and stay there.  And for me, I can't exchange the security of my and my future family's assets for the sake of being artsy.  Can the profits from some little studio boutique buy a house and insurance and a retirement plan and my kids' college funds and plane tickets?  I doubt it.  And I'm not going to ask my husband to win the bulk of the bread if I can help it.  This economy downturn is a real deal, and the only way to survive is to plan for the future and practice delayed gratification.  I haven't earned the right to waste my parents' spent energy.

It's not like I'm not going in a career direction I won't like, because it's been part of my mental process all along.  I just don't know if it's what I would choose if I didn't have to worry about any of those things.  But I do have to.

Maybe that's the real excuse, being selfish...  I have to work to do everything I need to do, and so be it.  If I'm going to pursue something risky, it's going to have to be on my own time and resources.  Sewing classes, fashion school... that will have to come after I can support myself.  So if it's not meant to be and it goes to waste, just like everything else, it'll all be on me.

Yesterday was the first day of women's bible study, and I actually felt at peace in the group, despite the majority still being a lot older.  I think most people did not know each other, so I suppose that made it easier too, but it was cozy and witness-filled.  We went over this past Sunday's sermon about the commandment to not take God's name in vain, and how that can be anything from saying 'omg' to using church lingo like PTL flippantly.  We often forget how awesome God's name in itself is, and don't give it the reverence it should have.

One thing that came as a slow realization is that I am really bad with confessing my sins out loud.  I try to word them in such a way that tries to almost justify them and make me look less bad, which comes off as kind of arrogant and... vain.  Thinking back to the past few weeks and my irritability and strongholds, it just feels really shameful.  Maybe the feeling of struggle is because of the change that needs to happen.  Most of my life I've always been considered the good kid, so that mindset is something I haven't been able to shake... but as good as I could ever try to be, I still could never be considered good in His eyes without Jesus.  God sure does have patience, and I really felt Him moulding my heart lately.  So thank You.

Today, I wanted to ask him how he's been.  Just today.

I'm not going to of course, because I've learned my lesson one too many times.

Honestly there's no giving up on the people you care about, even if it's just your heart doing the fighting.  In time I might learn to not care about him anymore, but at this moment, I still do.  I don't believe that I shouldn't, necessarily, despite everything that happened.  And I've let him go for the most part.  I know it was not love - not the type of true, God-breathed, God-fed love that I've come to realize is the only love worth having.  But I still care.

So whoever you are/will be, I hope that you'll forgive me for loving someone before you.  But please know that I wouldn't be able to love you as much as I will without first knowing what love wasn't.  I hope that you're being as patient as I am and not taking less than you deserve.  I hope that you are still learning, as I am, to love better and better.

The fat, sugar, and calories don't count if the dessert is French.