Honestly, I don't know if I have a real dream anymore.  I've gone through several of them, to have them all flatly pan out - ballet at age 6 because of bad muscle cramps, medicine (most likely) during college due to self doubt, teaching in Korea which I rejected a couple months ago because the economy is failing and I need something secure...  As much as these sound like excuses, it's not a waste to be grateful for what opportunities I HAVE been given, even if they aren't what I've conjured up in my mind.

I don't want to be consumed with my career, because there's so much more out of life that I want.  But I'm going to need a good career to give me the chance to have those other things.  All of these scattered dreams are a part of me - intelligence and forwarding the world, romanticism and curiosity, the regimental mastering of an art - I can't ignore anything.  And I can't deny the satisfaction I get from a finished garment, the automatic draw I've always had towards fashion, and the visceral reactions I have towards special pieces of clothing.  But what good does that do, in the long run?

The hard reality is that hobbies can't turn into careers for everyone.  Only those who are lucky and smart find a successful niche and stay there.  And for me, I can't exchange the security of my and my future family's assets for the sake of being artsy.  Can the profits from some little studio boutique buy a house and insurance and a retirement plan and my kids' college funds and plane tickets?  I doubt it.  And I'm not going to ask my husband to win the bulk of the bread if I can help it.  This economy downturn is a real deal, and the only way to survive is to plan for the future and practice delayed gratification.  I haven't earned the right to waste my parents' spent energy.

It's not like I'm not going in a career direction I won't like, because it's been part of my mental process all along.  I just don't know if it's what I would choose if I didn't have to worry about any of those things.  But I do have to.

Maybe that's the real excuse, being selfish...  I have to work to do everything I need to do, and so be it.  If I'm going to pursue something risky, it's going to have to be on my own time and resources.  Sewing classes, fashion school... that will have to come after I can support myself.  So if it's not meant to be and it goes to waste, just like everything else, it'll all be on me.