As 2013 comes to a close, never has it been more true that I can say that it's been a rough year.  Deaths of loved ones.  Dreams dashed to pieces again and again.  Being used, replaced, taken for granted.  Seeing people slide into what they swore they'd never be.  Becoming more like the world myself with all this bitterness.

I don't know what it is, this feeling that I just need to hibernate until something shakes me awake.  It's almost a new year, and I feel like I'm still crawling around with broken knees.

After a lot of neglect, I knew that I had pushed God aside and so I came to Him briefly again today.  And in the midst of their suffering and punishment (that they brought upon themselves) He kept on repeating, again and again, "I will be their God."  I wouldn't say that I'm happy at this moment, but I know that He still has not left.  If anything, that's enough to keep going.

Maybe my penchant for delayed gratification is developed for each year that I wait forever for my family to wake up to open presents together.

BLD has always liked to ask weird, what-if questions.  During our Senior Fall Break trip, a question was posed to the group - If trying to figure out if someone is right for you, what situation do you imagine trying to fit them in?

Some examples that were given:
- While driving, she would look look over at him in the driver's seat and she'd feel safe.
- He would be entertaining guests at their home and he would turn to his wife (maybe cooking in the kitchen) and she'd naturally join in on the hosting.

And if they just don't fit for some reason, then they aren't the one.  A little silly, but somewhat telling.  Whatever your heart wants is what you will try to formulate, and scenarios go beyond on-paper qualities.  Sometimes, you can just tell - yes or no.

I drew a blank for the longest time.  Then I realized that the ones I could think of... didn't really involve a hypothetical "us" being together.  And if they did actually happen in reality, I'd never get to see them anyway.

- His face breaking into a smile when he hears a song that reminds him of me.
- Chuckling to himself when he hears me being weird from across the room.

Maybe because he's not trying to show me or convince me of anything.  It's just there, that love, that connection that goes beyond proximity and ego.  Something like a secret or a silent prayer just waiting for you in due time.

1.  No matter which location I go to, I somehow always manage to give some worker guy in the produce department the wrong impression.  I just always make circles in the grocery store, okay?  I'm not trying to get your number.

2.  Smartly dressed fathers (moreover smartly dressed fathers that are doing grocery shopping with their kids) give me hope for the future.

Never get stuck in a room with pet lovers.  You will never find an opportune pause to subtly slip away, and you will slowly drown by imbibing your arguments on animal rights and cultural excess.

On a more positive note, this point was made in Bible study today that hit home:  "Heartaches are good because they remind you that you need a Saviour."

There are a handful of friends that I've been able to keep in contact with (who I much appreciate) but there's only so much that can be expressed through a screen - be it with words or even through video chat.  Conversations are almost always "after the fact," after the situations have been mulled over 100 times in order to be articulately and calmly expressed and at that point, they've been about 90% self-solved.

It still takes effort of course to keep up this line of contact, and I've been really growing over the years in learning how to do so.  But I've found that lately there are a lot of people that I've been trying and trying with that just seem to have... forgotten.  Even the ones that I've shared a lot of life with.  It's weird, because I can't pinpoint any particular reason, and so I wonder what went wrong.  And I always draw the same conclusions - I should have been different, or better, or done more.  But like I always say, what can you do if someone wants to leave?  Absolutely nothing.

So what is there to do - just start over... again?

People talk about the slaughter of millions of turkeys every year for Thanksgiving, and the President even pardons a turkey or two every year from being killed.  But what about pine trees?

Isn't it such a waste to chop down a tree that'll be up for a month at the most?  How many resources are we wasting for this tradition?  After Christmas, so many trees are left unsold in some parking lot and dragged off to the chopper.  It's totally unnecessary.  If we actually let these trees grow, imagine how much better the air would be, for one.  Don't people know how beautiful big trees are?  Why don't we just decorate our trees outside and let them grow as they're meant to?

You are never going to know or understand someone completely.  Your parents, spouse, best friend... and the same applies to God.  To put them in a box of what you think they are is a high form of disrespect.

So keep seeking, keep loving, and keep being surprised.

Seriously, there is some sort of magical memo that I'm missing.  EVERYONE'S dating.  What. Is. This??

Perhaps this is one of my biggest character flaws, but I've never had a whole lot of stamina when it comes to maintaining relationships.  For the most part, my friendships have been seasonal (which is normal in itself, since high school depth is nothing compared to college depth, I guess), and I'm okay with letting people go.  You can't make people stay if they don't want to, after all, but what's the right degree to show people you'd like them to stay regardless?  How much reciprocation is it necessary to expect?  Especially if you've been doing all the work for awhile, how do you know if someone's just tired of you for good?

I mean, I had another dream about getting jilted at the altar again.  It's pretty much a recurring theme of being replaced.

We've all changed, and I wouldn't have ever expected for us to have stayed the same, but I wonder if it's always going to be like this for me.  To never have a big group to fall back on, to simply hang out with without feeling like it's asking for a big favor, to go more than surface level and grow together even as we change.  To always be dispensable and as easy to let go as I allow myself to be.  Being alone is good, but it doesn't always feel right.  

I once read a prompt that basically said, write a story based on one random photo.  The cliche "a picture speaks a thousand words" is true, but with a premise of someone else's real image, you can create a universe totally different from the original.

These will be called "small stories" instead of short stories, because they have as much of an untold past as well as a possible future.  They're just snippets.

For as long as I'd been able to remember, the outdoor stadium has never been completely filled.  It had been built at the peak of our town's heyday, but when its economy soon tipped, so did the performers that it attracted.  Most of the time, the hollowed out hill became a haunt for local kids to wander around, or for couples to have picnics in as a tradition, but my fondest memories had always been the concerts.  Because the amphitheater was so close to my house, I would lie awake in bed at night and distantly listen to the obscure but sincere artists' voices that reached my window like a strange lullaby.  Sometimes echoes of applause ended the shows, but usually they were simply followed by silence.  No one bothered to really listen.  So, the music eventually stopped.

Dear God,

I still don't like saying it, but I can't deny that I haven't been loving lately.  I've been prideful, hypocritical, self-righteous... and such an attitude negates anything that I might try to do for You.

I'm the type of person who identifies more with the Prodigal son's older brother, or the workers of the field who started at the beginning.  I still can't comprehend Your reasoning.

Give me the wisdom to not pick my own battles.  Because You are almighty, and don't need such a weak soldier as me to defend You.  Show me Your wisdom in the difference between passivity and letting You handle things.  Rid me of my frustration that stems from the lack of faith that You know what You're doing.  Give me faith that You can work through all sorts of paths, and that You can redeem at any point in time.  Let me check my own sin before my neighbor's.  Let me leave the speculation up to You, whether or not someone else is being true.  May I believe in your mercy and grace as much as your discipline and power.

It is not my place to do any saving.

By going through the ten commandments these past few weeks, it is clear that my human understanding and intuition often is not aligned what You intended.  My ways are naturally sinful.  Yet, please honor this continual struggle, as petty as it might be.

The past few months have felt like years, as everything in my past seems to have been yanked away.  Or more like, I was suddenly sent out to sea on a life boat (rowing my own boat, which is a whole other topic haha.)  And yet instead of being wizened and weathered, I still often just feel like a child with too many thoughts.

I used to hate the "22" song by Taylor Swift, but more and more it just seems so true.  We don't know what we're doing and we feel pretty stupid all the time, but there's something so free about it.  Such an ambiguous age where doing your own thing isn't a search for rebellion, it's just simply you.  And we'll figure something out... eventually.  There's just no need to be mopey about it like the rest of this generation, because that's a waste of the youth you do have.

In fact, a lot of Taylor Swift's newer songs used to feel pretty audacious and petty, but there's much to identify with regardless.  You have to learn to take only what you deserve, and be bold in that conviction and not take any guy's foolishness.  There's only so much sadness you can build up before it gets much too old, because there's so much more to be happy about.  Sometimes there are some people that you need to keep at a distance, and that isn't being hateful.  And I'll say this - there's so much more to be worried about than romance.  Not that it's any less precious, but as young as I am and as much "possibility" that there is, I don't want to grow old-hearted with the constant test drives.  Because it IS so important, I'm not going to try and make it into something it's not.  Everyone's so busy with grabbing at it, pulling until it stretches and rips and believing that the piece that they've claimed as their own is enough to keep them warm.  I can't just toss it up in the air and hope it lands right side up, but that's how love is played nowadays.  But that means I withdraw from the game completely.

Then it turns into being somewhat of a standby position.  Twenty-two isn't old, but I feel like I'm already running out of time.  Everyone seems to be finding someone wherever I turn, and I'm scared that I'll actually become too accustomed to being alone.  I'm just not good at holding onto people, guys especially.  I've never given them enough of a reason to stay.  And I certainly can't make someone love me because... that just isn't real.  As much as I've learned I'm still trying to figure the rest, and I don't have a lot to give yet.

Honestly, I don't know if I have a real dream anymore.  I've gone through several of them, to have them all flatly pan out - ballet at age 6 because of bad muscle cramps, medicine (most likely) during college due to self doubt, teaching in Korea which I rejected a couple months ago because the economy is failing and I need something secure...  As much as these sound like excuses, it's not a waste to be grateful for what opportunities I HAVE been given, even if they aren't what I've conjured up in my mind.

I don't want to be consumed with my career, because there's so much more out of life that I want.  But I'm going to need a good career to give me the chance to have those other things.  All of these scattered dreams are a part of me - intelligence and forwarding the world, romanticism and curiosity, the regimental mastering of an art - I can't ignore anything.  And I can't deny the satisfaction I get from a finished garment, the automatic draw I've always had towards fashion, and the visceral reactions I have towards special pieces of clothing.  But what good does that do, in the long run?

The hard reality is that hobbies can't turn into careers for everyone.  Only those who are lucky and smart find a successful niche and stay there.  And for me, I can't exchange the security of my and my future family's assets for the sake of being artsy.  Can the profits from some little studio boutique buy a house and insurance and a retirement plan and my kids' college funds and plane tickets?  I doubt it.  And I'm not going to ask my husband to win the bulk of the bread if I can help it.  This economy downturn is a real deal, and the only way to survive is to plan for the future and practice delayed gratification.  I haven't earned the right to waste my parents' spent energy.

It's not like I'm not going in a career direction I won't like, because it's been part of my mental process all along.  I just don't know if it's what I would choose if I didn't have to worry about any of those things.  But I do have to.

Maybe that's the real excuse, being selfish...  I have to work to do everything I need to do, and so be it.  If I'm going to pursue something risky, it's going to have to be on my own time and resources.  Sewing classes, fashion school... that will have to come after I can support myself.  So if it's not meant to be and it goes to waste, just like everything else, it'll all be on me.

Yesterday was the first day of women's bible study, and I actually felt at peace in the group, despite the majority still being a lot older.  I think most people did not know each other, so I suppose that made it easier too, but it was cozy and witness-filled.  We went over this past Sunday's sermon about the commandment to not take God's name in vain, and how that can be anything from saying 'omg' to using church lingo like PTL flippantly.  We often forget how awesome God's name in itself is, and don't give it the reverence it should have.

One thing that came as a slow realization is that I am really bad with confessing my sins out loud.  I try to word them in such a way that tries to almost justify them and make me look less bad, which comes off as kind of arrogant and... vain.  Thinking back to the past few weeks and my irritability and strongholds, it just feels really shameful.  Maybe the feeling of struggle is because of the change that needs to happen.  Most of my life I've always been considered the good kid, so that mindset is something I haven't been able to shake... but as good as I could ever try to be, I still could never be considered good in His eyes without Jesus.  God sure does have patience, and I really felt Him moulding my heart lately.  So thank You.

Today, I wanted to ask him how he's been.  Just today.

I'm not going to of course, because I've learned my lesson one too many times.

Honestly there's no giving up on the people you care about, even if it's just your heart doing the fighting.  In time I might learn to not care about him anymore, but at this moment, I still do.  I don't believe that I shouldn't, necessarily, despite everything that happened.  And I've let him go for the most part.  I know it was not love - not the type of true, God-breathed, God-fed love that I've come to realize is the only love worth having.  But I still care.

So whoever you are/will be, I hope that you'll forgive me for loving someone before you.  But please know that I wouldn't be able to love you as much as I will without first knowing what love wasn't.  I hope that you're being as patient as I am and not taking less than you deserve.  I hope that you are still learning, as I am, to love better and better.

The fat, sugar, and calories don't count if the dessert is French.

Not that today was stupid "to" me, but I was really stupid myself.

First day of psych class, but got there two hours early because all my other sections have been at that time.  Left my nice Michael Kors jacket at the library by accident, went all over searching for it...  Then left it AGAIN in the lobby while I was waiting for class to start, and didn't even realize I didn't have it until I passed by on my way out.

Leaving things behind (especially in other peoples' cars) is my absolute worst habit.

Turns out my psych class is a video class.  Not even online lectures, but all I'll have to do is watch a DVD (probably like those ones in high school) and take an in-person test once a month......  Why does this cost the same as a regular class?  At least that's less commute time.

On my drive today, I saw all these grandparents picking up their grandkids from the bus stop.  There was the cutest grandpa with a big white beard riding a bicycle, pulling a little boy in a bright yellow wagon from behind.  Wish I could have snapped a picture!

When life is bombarding you with everything at once that means that God wants to change you, so you'd better sit up and listen.  This May, I graduated college and was still shedding the dream and lifestyle that was Emory University.  In that place, you're pampered so much and grow so much as a person (if you do it right), but that also tempts you to forget why you were there in the first place (if you do it wrong.)  Almost exactly a week after leaving the city that had become a third home, my family received news that my uncle - the one who had just seen me walk across the stage - was in a coma.

(This is a rather long post, just so you know.  It's a big summary of a lot of big things.)

Dear future you, whoever you are, please take note of these useful facts.  I hate:

- Rotten/mouldy food

- Oompa loompas (vintage and newer ones alike)

- Suspension bridges.  They look super awesome and all, but if you take me to one, I will kill you if I ever manage to catch you at the other end.  Or... maybe if you promise to hold my hand as we cross, you could help me get over my fear.

Today, my parents told me that our neighbor's daughter had recently gotten married and added, "Her parents must be so happy.  Our time for that hasn't come yet."

Lately, I feel like I've had to be a lot more of the parent, and it's been very annoying because it's not my 'role.'  But in that moment, I realized that I'm going to need to learn to love to serve in mundane times - among many other character flaws I need to check - if I'm going to be a good wife to someone.  So I'm thankful for the practice if it'll give me a better footing.  And I hope my parents will see that happy day with me... eventually.