I went to a Third Day concert with Namratta and was struck by how their old songs had been ingrained in my heart from when I was younger.  They were the songs I sang when I first learned about God, and the words flowed out just as easily as back then.  Songs like "Your Love Oh Lord" used to sound so simple and lighthearted but to still be able to sing them now, with a childlike heart, even after all that has passed and is still dauntingly to come - it means so much more.  What was first love has deepened.  To be reminded that God's mercy and love and goodness and just who He is hasn't changed after all these years is a great comfort.

The night before the last first day of classes, this was what God had prepared:

'On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."' - Mark 2:17

I am here for a reason much greater than I, greater than any small hopes I plan for myself.  There's a much bigger picture that I need to keep striving towards.

Some days you've just got to blast Taylor Swift on repeat and try to forget about things.

This morning, I decided to go out and tend to the backyard for a little bit before it got too hot - watered the plants and did some weeding.  But the closer I got to each organism, the more fascinating each became.  I saw the different patterns in each moss species, distinguished the leaves of the weeds vs. the budding blueberry shoots, and wondered if perhaps weeds could serve a useful purpose to an eco-system.  The snap peas were beginning to burst forth through the white petals, and some of the blueberries are ripening.  I found a tiny neon orange gooey-looking beetle (quite fashion forward) and watched a lonely bumblebee push through the pea flowers to look for nectar.  I wished it well as it flew on, sad that we didn't have more flowers for it to search through.  We need more nature.

It is absolutely exciting to see God revealing Himself, to watch hand so tangibly working in someone's life so that they might hopefully one day personally know Him.  It is so lovely to share that inexplicable joy in hopes that it resounds boldly and brings healing.  I rarely discuss my faith with people that in depth, and it's a reminder of how beautiful and profound even the most basic truths are - about brokenness, grace, mercy, humility, freedom, open hands.  There are many reasons why someone might choose to believe - a sense of purpose, of love, for help - but it has to cut deep down to the heart and go beyond sense.  At least for me, I don't think I have much more of an answer about the question of life or all sorts of debates than I did before, but I know enough that He is more powerful than we can imagine, and that's enough to praise Him.

... even when it's not the answer you were hoping for.  Eyes don't lie.

I know deep down that it's not as much him, as much as the disappointment of yet again the lost hope of not having anyone.  The reminder that maybe it'll never happen, and the constant feeling of inadequacy.  The recognition of being the one that cares more, for no reason except that's just how your heart works.  The feeling of being bottled up, and passed over because there's nothing worth seeing.  As if it's weak and wrong to want and need a person to share life with.

Sometimes friends know exactly what the source is.  "Don't put him on a pedestal, as if he's the prize.  You are.  Just do you."  "It's tough because you have so much love to give and no outlet right now for it to go.  But when you do find someone, he's going to be so lucky."

And yet again I hear God whisper, "Just wait and see what I have in store.  It's more than what you could ever imagine."  That's true - I can't imagine.  So much so that I can hardly keep hoping.

There's nothing quite like taking a nap underneath an open window on a misty day, breathing in the cool, fresh breeze that was left after the rain.  It really is a luxury to be still, and a luxury to have the time to do so.

There are only a few weeks left.  Life is still so fluid, and I could never ask anyone to stay in mine.  If only I had the courage to show love from the beginning.

Every day, I learn a little more about God's heart and how He sees me, how He's working to shape my heart into one that is like His ('... and when Jesus heard it, He said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I have not come here to call the righteous, but sinners."' - Mark 2:17).  When I reflect that love, I feel beautiful in a full, carefree way.

I've been praying for someone to see that light in me, praying to love someone wholeheartedly and boldly.  But when someone comes along with such a warm heart that shines wherever he goes, I retreat inside myself again in fear that it'll never be enough.

I have the deepest hopes, but not the least in expectations.  If our paths are just meant to cross for a season, then I'll be grateful for that.

My token phrases for life as of late:

"Freakin..."
"Freaking whyyyy"
"WHAT IS LIFE??"
"Awkward"
"NOOO"

We have security cameras all over school.  I wonder if the guards can see me smiling stupidly every time after walking away from talking to the cute second year.  They'd probably get a good laugh.

The mentorship program started today and my 7th graders just began opening up, and I already have so much admiration for them for even bothering to see what it is we do.  They face a lot of adversity, but the tools they need are stored in their spirits.  I can tell they feel silly for saying "I want to be a doctor" at that age, but so did I back then.  It all starts from some sort of step in the right direction and seeing where it takes you.  I find myself wanting to flood them with words of wisdom but really all they need is one more person that believes in them, then they'll figure it out on their own.

There have been lots of little miracles today, and God has been present in it all.

As it's now officially a lunar new year, and since it's THE year of the sheep (yay!), maybe some big things are going to happen.

Ever so slightly, it's already starting to get warmer like a promise of possibilities to come.  Just need to keep on working hard.

They say that it's barren here, that Seattle has so much more greenery and lush nature.  That may be true, but those people haven't looked up at the sky.  Every day, the sun sets in different colors.

- How to be young (again).

- How to genuinely say sorry, and how much healing there is from letting go of bitterness every time.

- I want to be found and pursued... but so does he, whoever he is.

- I may never be good at big parties and mingling.  Maybe I'll always have the urge to go hide in the bathroom or sit alone on the porch until someone comes to find me, but that's okay.  Even though gatherings are uncomfortable and can feel futile, they're still very important.  They hold so much possibility.  You never know who you'll be able to reach out to in a moment.  So keep on showing up and keep your eyes open.

- Keep your best memories close.  They will serve you well.  In dark times, they will remind you that there are more memories to be made.

- No one's too deep for God to reach.  It doesn't make sense and might not seem "fair," but that's the beauty of His grace.  And I'm thankful, because I definitely didn't deserve it either.

When shopping and I'm tempted to stop into a store that's obviously too expensive and shiny and dream-like to even bother, my mother always says, "That's not for us.  Let's move on."

It's like peering into the dazzling window display and knowing you'll never afford the contents.  It's like a restaurant you want to try, but you aren't dressed properly and you can't even read the menu.  It's stopping before even starting, every single time.

When I see someone with whom I can imagine it might just work, a voice tells me "Don't bother, you're not for them.  Know where you stand.  Keep on going."

It hurts too much to search.

I didn't purposefully stay up until midnight, but I couldn't fall asleep because of the fireworks.  I didn't even bother to take a peek outside at the display for even a minute - didn't seem like anything special this year.

I'm not interested in a lot of things anymore.  Friends who leave everything to the past-tense, who ask for a general overview of my life without bothering to ask about what those things actually meant, who can't even comprehend that there was much more substance in the cracks in between.  Meaningless interactions that are supposed to be part of the quintessential 20-something experience.  Boys who only act to get a reaction out of me.  People who settle.  People who expect to be happy 24/7 and play the victim when they aren't and use that as an excuse for their mistakes.

All these things that annoy me are from my own faults, of being cold and logical and critical.  Not letting anyone in until I know I can trust them.  Not making more effort than necessary.  At this point though, I don't have any resolutions to changing that.  Then again, this overall frustration is also a sign of caring too much... ironically.  It's selfish to not give your all to people when love is what everyone needs.

According to the zodiac calendar, this year is supposed to be ours (the sheep - the cautious, sensitive ones).  Who knows?