Why have I always been like this?  I'm always being defined by favor, by those in charge entrusting me as someone who's mature and capable.  Taking mistakes and "getting in trouble" so personally...  As cashier, I was somehow short $13 at the end and my boss seemed pretty ticked and I was tip-toe-ing the whole rest of my shift.  Nothing else seemed to go smoothly.  Even though it's only been a week since we opened, I feel like they want us to know everything.

With each improvement, there's something else that I do wrong.  Maybe I'm not cut out for this.  Am I just being too sensitive?

If anything, it's so exciting to see people in my generation growing up to do amazing things, following their dreams, and making a positive difference all over the world like they always said they would.  We're doing pretty good.

I think I need someone who makes me feel small.

(Not just in the sense that as a 166cm tall Asian girl, that makes me awkwardly as tall/taller than 60% of the guys I meet.  It always takes them by surprise when I go from sitting to standing >_>)

My entire life, I've fought to become as independent as possible - I'm fine with doing things myself, and I'm good at being by myself.  I can keep a cool head and take care of what needs to be done.  I'm constantly striving to "get it together" and with each year, I come a bit closer.  The worst thing I would hate to be is a "stupid woman" who can't understand the world or learn anything new.

Inevitably though, there will still be moments when I can't do everything, no matter how powerful I think I've become.  In the end, I'm still a woman who is soft on the inside.  If I can find someone who doesn't make me submit, who doesn't want a needy woman to feed his ego... someone who it's safe to rely on without a feeling of debt afterwards.  Someone who knows how to take care of me in a gentle, leading way.  Someone who needs me too.  Someone who actually believes that I'm strong.

In the midst of the play and ruckus, a window was opened to the darkness and a chilly breeze beckoned us outside.  With shaky steps, we crawled onto the roof like daredevils.  Inch by inch, we settled on the rough incline.  Up above, the brilliant constellations glimmered between the shadowy looming trees in a spellbinding tapestry of something greater.

We stared up at the thousands of clear stars, a brilliance we had only been able to see once a year when we retreated from our everyday lives.  There were many shooting stars that night, but one person who was distracted kept missing them - much to our teasing.  Shivering, we huddled together for warmth, but we kept our gazes upward.

Out of nowhere a guitar had been produced, and a simple string of chords rang out into the silence, and we began to sing.  The words flowed from our lips, a shared outpouring of our hearts in praise for the One who had created all the awesomeness around us.  These lyrics had not changed from when we had learned them in our childhood, and with one voice, a crescendo of joy rose and filled the darkness.  Proclaiming together that He is All, with simple words, resounding truth.

There are certain things that we need at the very beginning of our lives that give us a fighting chance for the world.  Regular touch releases serotonin in the growing brain.  Eye contact creates synapses for proper social attachment.  Hearing an adult's heartbeat steadies our own.  We know our caregivers by their scent before we know them by sight.

When you hold a baby that small and that fragile, and to see them smile up at you or fall asleep in your arms, there is still somehow all the hope in the world embodied right there that great things will happen.  Life is too important.  At the beginning, there's a choice for us to begin anew and make things better.  By God's grace, each one of us is known by Him as a child for our entire existence.