I once read a prompt that basically said, write a story based on one random photo.  The cliche "a picture speaks a thousand words" is true, but with a premise of someone else's real image, you can create a universe totally different from the original.

These will be called "small stories" instead of short stories, because they have as much of an untold past as well as a possible future.  They're just snippets.

For as long as I'd been able to remember, the outdoor stadium has never been completely filled.  It had been built at the peak of our town's heyday, but when its economy soon tipped, so did the performers that it attracted.  Most of the time, the hollowed out hill became a haunt for local kids to wander around, or for couples to have picnics in as a tradition, but my fondest memories had always been the concerts.  Because the amphitheater was so close to my house, I would lie awake in bed at night and distantly listen to the obscure but sincere artists' voices that reached my window like a strange lullaby.  Sometimes echoes of applause ended the shows, but usually they were simply followed by silence.  No one bothered to really listen.  So, the music eventually stopped.

Dear God,

I still don't like saying it, but I can't deny that I haven't been loving lately.  I've been prideful, hypocritical, self-righteous... and such an attitude negates anything that I might try to do for You.

I'm the type of person who identifies more with the Prodigal son's older brother, or the workers of the field who started at the beginning.  I still can't comprehend Your reasoning.

Give me the wisdom to not pick my own battles.  Because You are almighty, and don't need such a weak soldier as me to defend You.  Show me Your wisdom in the difference between passivity and letting You handle things.  Rid me of my frustration that stems from the lack of faith that You know what You're doing.  Give me faith that You can work through all sorts of paths, and that You can redeem at any point in time.  Let me check my own sin before my neighbor's.  Let me leave the speculation up to You, whether or not someone else is being true.  May I believe in your mercy and grace as much as your discipline and power.

It is not my place to do any saving.

By going through the ten commandments these past few weeks, it is clear that my human understanding and intuition often is not aligned what You intended.  My ways are naturally sinful.  Yet, please honor this continual struggle, as petty as it might be.

The past few months have felt like years, as everything in my past seems to have been yanked away.  Or more like, I was suddenly sent out to sea on a life boat (rowing my own boat, which is a whole other topic haha.)  And yet instead of being wizened and weathered, I still often just feel like a child with too many thoughts.

I used to hate the "22" song by Taylor Swift, but more and more it just seems so true.  We don't know what we're doing and we feel pretty stupid all the time, but there's something so free about it.  Such an ambiguous age where doing your own thing isn't a search for rebellion, it's just simply you.  And we'll figure something out... eventually.  There's just no need to be mopey about it like the rest of this generation, because that's a waste of the youth you do have.

In fact, a lot of Taylor Swift's newer songs used to feel pretty audacious and petty, but there's much to identify with regardless.  You have to learn to take only what you deserve, and be bold in that conviction and not take any guy's foolishness.  There's only so much sadness you can build up before it gets much too old, because there's so much more to be happy about.  Sometimes there are some people that you need to keep at a distance, and that isn't being hateful.  And I'll say this - there's so much more to be worried about than romance.  Not that it's any less precious, but as young as I am and as much "possibility" that there is, I don't want to grow old-hearted with the constant test drives.  Because it IS so important, I'm not going to try and make it into something it's not.  Everyone's so busy with grabbing at it, pulling until it stretches and rips and believing that the piece that they've claimed as their own is enough to keep them warm.  I can't just toss it up in the air and hope it lands right side up, but that's how love is played nowadays.  But that means I withdraw from the game completely.

Then it turns into being somewhat of a standby position.  Twenty-two isn't old, but I feel like I'm already running out of time.  Everyone seems to be finding someone wherever I turn, and I'm scared that I'll actually become too accustomed to being alone.  I'm just not good at holding onto people, guys especially.  I've never given them enough of a reason to stay.  And I certainly can't make someone love me because... that just isn't real.  As much as I've learned I'm still trying to figure the rest, and I don't have a lot to give yet.

Honestly, I don't know if I have a real dream anymore.  I've gone through several of them, to have them all flatly pan out - ballet at age 6 because of bad muscle cramps, medicine (most likely) during college due to self doubt, teaching in Korea which I rejected a couple months ago because the economy is failing and I need something secure...  As much as these sound like excuses, it's not a waste to be grateful for what opportunities I HAVE been given, even if they aren't what I've conjured up in my mind.

I don't want to be consumed with my career, because there's so much more out of life that I want.  But I'm going to need a good career to give me the chance to have those other things.  All of these scattered dreams are a part of me - intelligence and forwarding the world, romanticism and curiosity, the regimental mastering of an art - I can't ignore anything.  And I can't deny the satisfaction I get from a finished garment, the automatic draw I've always had towards fashion, and the visceral reactions I have towards special pieces of clothing.  But what good does that do, in the long run?

The hard reality is that hobbies can't turn into careers for everyone.  Only those who are lucky and smart find a successful niche and stay there.  And for me, I can't exchange the security of my and my future family's assets for the sake of being artsy.  Can the profits from some little studio boutique buy a house and insurance and a retirement plan and my kids' college funds and plane tickets?  I doubt it.  And I'm not going to ask my husband to win the bulk of the bread if I can help it.  This economy downturn is a real deal, and the only way to survive is to plan for the future and practice delayed gratification.  I haven't earned the right to waste my parents' spent energy.

It's not like I'm not going in a career direction I won't like, because it's been part of my mental process all along.  I just don't know if it's what I would choose if I didn't have to worry about any of those things.  But I do have to.

Maybe that's the real excuse, being selfish...  I have to work to do everything I need to do, and so be it.  If I'm going to pursue something risky, it's going to have to be on my own time and resources.  Sewing classes, fashion school... that will have to come after I can support myself.  So if it's not meant to be and it goes to waste, just like everything else, it'll all be on me.

Yesterday was the first day of women's bible study, and I actually felt at peace in the group, despite the majority still being a lot older.  I think most people did not know each other, so I suppose that made it easier too, but it was cozy and witness-filled.  We went over this past Sunday's sermon about the commandment to not take God's name in vain, and how that can be anything from saying 'omg' to using church lingo like PTL flippantly.  We often forget how awesome God's name in itself is, and don't give it the reverence it should have.

One thing that came as a slow realization is that I am really bad with confessing my sins out loud.  I try to word them in such a way that tries to almost justify them and make me look less bad, which comes off as kind of arrogant and... vain.  Thinking back to the past few weeks and my irritability and strongholds, it just feels really shameful.  Maybe the feeling of struggle is because of the change that needs to happen.  Most of my life I've always been considered the good kid, so that mindset is something I haven't been able to shake... but as good as I could ever try to be, I still could never be considered good in His eyes without Jesus.  God sure does have patience, and I really felt Him moulding my heart lately.  So thank You.

Today, I wanted to ask him how he's been.  Just today.

I'm not going to of course, because I've learned my lesson one too many times.

Honestly there's no giving up on the people you care about, even if it's just your heart doing the fighting.  In time I might learn to not care about him anymore, but at this moment, I still do.  I don't believe that I shouldn't, necessarily, despite everything that happened.  And I've let him go for the most part.  I know it was not love - not the type of true, God-breathed, God-fed love that I've come to realize is the only love worth having.  But I still care.

So whoever you are/will be, I hope that you'll forgive me for loving someone before you.  But please know that I wouldn't be able to love you as much as I will without first knowing what love wasn't.  I hope that you're being as patient as I am and not taking less than you deserve.  I hope that you are still learning, as I am, to love better and better.

The fat, sugar, and calories don't count if the dessert is French.