Passed the Anatomy final!  Also got an A in Clin Skills without studying, and did pretty well in OPP too.

... Now onto three more killer tests tomorrow.

Study break - mini crying session.  Then you just have to move on and keep at it.

-  It's sweet and flattering, having a non-female friend telling you "You're gorgeous.  Really." for no reason.  But I can't respond with anything other than a "Pfft!"
('Cause really, even if it were true, what good does it do if guys don't talk to me anyway?  If the cute second year doesn't notice me? XD)

-  Why is it that when people discount Christianity it's almost always in a mocking, cynical way, but they can calmly discuss Islam, Buddhism, and all other faiths they don't believe in with a respectful, open-minded, academic attitude?  Is it because they believe they know what Christianity really is?  That they've been scarred by it or its people somehow? They say that the Bible's teachings don't show a loving God - but then how in the world do any of the other religions either?

-  The events all over the world are frightening.  It really is a dangerous place, especially for women.  It hasn't gotten much better after all these millenia.  It's heartbreaking and terrifying.  I don't understand.

It gets a little darker.

-  "Pain is the weakness leaking out of you."

- "Now everyone with lower back pain thinks they have pancreatic cancer."

- "Want some almonds?"
- "Why aren't you eating any?  Did you sprinkle them with botulism?"

- "LigaMENtum venOsum" *swish and flick with the probe* = always relevant

sigh.

As I was walking out of school today, the whole sky was dark (since it had been raining all day) except for one brilliant patch of sun.  The clouds were looming behind the hills like mountains, and the sun shone from behind the clouds like a brilliant, blood-orange halo amidst stormy skies.

It was like heaven, and God was beyond and the one to look towards.  The Creator was even greater than the mountains, and even the smallest glimpse of Him was other-worldly beautiful.

Med school life can be funny sometimes too.  Some quotes from my classmates and teachers:

- "I haven't even had time to pluck my eyebrows!!"

- "You're like Hermione."
- "Oh yeah?  LevAtor scapulARum!"

- "I'm not going to stand up on the stage.  I don't think any of you are qualified to save my life yet."

- (Sarcastically, in regards to abstract OMM technique): "As I feel your shoulder, I can tell that your kidney is rotated right and sidebent left.  Let me press your forehead to fix that."

Sometimes when you're praying, God answers very directly.  And pretty much, it's exactly what you need to hear.

"The Lord replied, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" - Exodus 33:14.

When I get scared for no reason about the future or making it through these next couple years, He reminds me that I'm not doing this alone, and that His strength is sufficient.  Of course.

Tonight, I went to see an outdoor movie screening with my good friends Helen and Aly.  It was located at a local brewery and since the film was Top Gun, it was mostly adults in the audience.  Probably since I was wearing a somewhat crazy skirt I got a number of looks, but I felt so out of place I never let my gaze rest on anything for more than half a second.  I never quite feel like an adult in these situations, where someone would want to approach me at any moment.  Maybe I just feel like an awkward turtle 13 year old again when guys look st me.  Maybe I'm not ready to be found just yet?  I dunno, how do people actually meet each other in real life?

Random things people say can resonate and stick with you for a long time, especially if those people are those you really respect, and are where you professionally want to be far into the future.

- On death:  "Each patient's life is ultimately in God's hands.  I am simply given the opportunity to help as I can, and I can have peace with that."

- On listening:  "A patient's story can help solve the puzzle at the very last minute."

- On studying:  "I'm not very smart, I just worked very hard.  My motto was, Every day is exam day."

- On this path:  "Don't ever let anyone make you feel lesser for doing osteopathic medicine.  All my DO colleagues are excellent.  You're in a rare position to change people's lives, and that's the best reward."

- On medical school:  "Your health comes first.  Stress can kill you - literally.  I had a classmate who took pills to help him study, and one day he just didn't wake up.  There's no time for a relationship.  Throughout med school, I wore a wedding ring.  Said I already had two kids.  All the girls came to me with boyfriend problems - I became their counselor!  My (now) wife was the only one who found out I was lying, so she got me."

Today was the first day of summer, and I felt like I was really filled and blessed.  I climbed Rattlesnake Trail with friends and met an amazing view of lush green mountain peaks, crystalline water, and wispy skies.  For the first time in a long time I felt like someone actually wanted to know something about me, not just facts about me.  My internal clock did not tick away to warn me to quickly move on to the next thing.

As short as this summer is going to be, I'm going to make sure I'm "full" in order to be ready for the next step.  Life is always on the move nowadays, so it's moments like these that I'm grateful that I can still stop and breathe deep.

Dear Future You,

There's a lot of the world that I still need to see, and a lot of things I still need to accomplish.  I explore not to find a missing piece, but to see how much more I can expand.  My wandering feet do not mean a wandering heart.  It seems like life these days keeps on pulling me from home to a distant somewhere, and I hope maybe it's in the direction a little closer to wherever you are.

Please know that wherever I am, I'm not too far away.  I'll always come back - very soon, if you want me to - just ask.  And you can even come along, if you'd like.

One day.

Why have I always been like this?  I'm always being defined by favor, by those in charge entrusting me as someone who's mature and capable.  Taking mistakes and "getting in trouble" so personally...  As cashier, I was somehow short $13 at the end and my boss seemed pretty ticked and I was tip-toe-ing the whole rest of my shift.  Nothing else seemed to go smoothly.  Even though it's only been a week since we opened, I feel like they want us to know everything.

With each improvement, there's something else that I do wrong.  Maybe I'm not cut out for this.  Am I just being too sensitive?

If anything, it's so exciting to see people in my generation growing up to do amazing things, following their dreams, and making a positive difference all over the world like they always said they would.  We're doing pretty good.

I think I need someone who makes me feel small.

(Not just in the sense that as a 166cm tall Asian girl, that makes me awkwardly as tall/taller than 60% of the guys I meet.  It always takes them by surprise when I go from sitting to standing >_>)

My entire life, I've fought to become as independent as possible - I'm fine with doing things myself, and I'm good at being by myself.  I can keep a cool head and take care of what needs to be done.  I'm constantly striving to "get it together" and with each year, I come a bit closer.  The worst thing I would hate to be is a "stupid woman" who can't understand the world or learn anything new.

Inevitably though, there will still be moments when I can't do everything, no matter how powerful I think I've become.  In the end, I'm still a woman who is soft on the inside.  If I can find someone who doesn't make me submit, who doesn't want a needy woman to feed his ego... someone who it's safe to rely on without a feeling of debt afterwards.  Someone who knows how to take care of me in a gentle, leading way.  Someone who needs me too.  Someone who actually believes that I'm strong.

In the midst of the play and ruckus, a window was opened to the darkness and a chilly breeze beckoned us outside.  With shaky steps, we crawled onto the roof like daredevils.  Inch by inch, we settled on the rough incline.  Up above, the brilliant constellations glimmered between the shadowy looming trees in a spellbinding tapestry of something greater.

We stared up at the thousands of clear stars, a brilliance we had only been able to see once a year when we retreated from our everyday lives.  There were many shooting stars that night, but one person who was distracted kept missing them - much to our teasing.  Shivering, we huddled together for warmth, but we kept our gazes upward.

Out of nowhere a guitar had been produced, and a simple string of chords rang out into the silence, and we began to sing.  The words flowed from our lips, a shared outpouring of our hearts in praise for the One who had created all the awesomeness around us.  These lyrics had not changed from when we had learned them in our childhood, and with one voice, a crescendo of joy rose and filled the darkness.  Proclaiming together that He is All, with simple words, resounding truth.

There are certain things that we need at the very beginning of our lives that give us a fighting chance for the world.  Regular touch releases serotonin in the growing brain.  Eye contact creates synapses for proper social attachment.  Hearing an adult's heartbeat steadies our own.  We know our caregivers by their scent before we know them by sight.

When you hold a baby that small and that fragile, and to see them smile up at you or fall asleep in your arms, there is still somehow all the hope in the world embodied right there that great things will happen.  Life is too important.  At the beginning, there's a choice for us to begin anew and make things better.  By God's grace, each one of us is known by Him as a child for our entire existence.

I'm not presumptuous enough to say that this isn't normal for a 20-something, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of malaise.  Of not quite belonging anywhere, not quite being important to the majority of my friendships, not quite fitting in or standing out or being memorable, and always falling short of things beyond my reach.  I'm trying my best but nothing and nobody really sticks or feels right.

Returning home after having changed so much, I can't slide back into the same niche as before, but I can't make a new one for myself either.  It's not the same as it was when I graduated high school - this time, I'm not sure if there's anything different to be found 'out there,' only slight variations of the same loneliness.  Being alone is fine, but I'm scared that that's how it's always going to be.

And it's not exactly that I don't like myself, but I'm not convinced that others can see it.  No one wants to know me - who I am underneath all the small talk.  They won't search if they don't think anything is there, after all.  It's been said that there are only a handful of people you will ever truly connect with in your lifetime - maybe that's true.

I've spent all my life trying not to be a 'stupid woman' or a needy person, with the constant goal of getting my act together.  So I've been doing just fine on my own, because there's no other option.  And I'll have to continue to do so.

I was invited for another DO interview in Mississippi.  Isn't it way too late in the cycle?  What kind of school only takes paper applications anymore?

I saw two big dogs seemingly running away from home.  They had the biggest grins on their faces and they were practically skipping along the sidewalk, like 'ladidadida...'

I was pulled over for having expired stickers.  Apparently they've been expired since last summer...  But the policeman said the system was down, so he couldn't verify the registration, and he let me go really nicely.  No $210 ticket.

Still waiting for the day when this song is relevant.

I'm not entirely sure if life is ever going to get easier from here on out.  There are a lot of periods of contentment, but in between when the tough times do come, they get more and more intense with each year.  That's an ominous prospect.  I just feel like I've been barely treading water ever since last summer.

Make one. single. mistake and all the trust and credibility that you worked to build up beforehand is irrelevant.  That's how the life of a good girl works.

I got into Case Western's nursing master's program!  Praise God...!

Even though I haven't even interviewed at the other schools yet, it's good to know that I'm somehow in the clear.  If I end up being an NP instead of DO then I think I'd still be happy.  It still allows me to do all the things I wanted to do.  God is orchestrating this, and He knows what's going to work out for the best.

Thank You for all the future blessings, too.

Thank you for reminding me how God works in even the little details of my life, and that it's a joy to be able to rely on Him like a child because He delights in us clinging to Him.

There are still a lot of questions that will be answered within the next few weeks to the next couple of years, but I know He has a plan.

I don't want to think that this is my thirteen-year-old self gravitating towards the shiniest, most brilliant thing in the room.  But the thing is, he's always been the star for as long as I can remember.  From this distance, all I've seen was what I imagined to be there.

At this point in my life, I know that you can't make someone fall in love with you if they already haven't.  I know that there's no faking the look in someone's eyes in the first five seconds.  I know where I stand, and in this case I have, and never have had, a place.  I don't know what's wrong with me.

I want to believe that there's someone that will somehow find his way into my life and fight to stay, but I just don't see it happening.  All I have are the stories in my head.

I signed up for sewing classes (that start at the end of the month), figuring that there wouldn't be a better time or opportunity to take them.  I'm not sure how good I'll get with only this first level, but it's a life goal.  My parents were more than willing to let me take them, too.

And the other day, a large box was randomly delivered to our door - and inside was a sewing machine carrying case that my dad had ordered for me.  Somehow, he knew that I would need it to bring my machine to and from the classes.  I had never asked for it, or even alluded that I'd have problems with transport.  It was a total surprise.  Not just that I wasn't expecting it, but in that my dad had thought of it and intended it as a surprise.  The last time I was that happy and surprised with a gift was when I got the fifth installment of Harry Potter.  I felt like a kid again.  Our parents will always see us as their children, too.

This comes during a confusing week, where after weeks of waiting I was invited for three school interviews.  After so much doubt in what God had in store for me, He still surprised me in a way that was simply only to make me smile.  I still don't understand it, but I can try to accept His gift without suspicion and be gladly waiting for the next one.

For the first entire year of knowing him (as college freshmen) I had no idea.  He was an absolute scrub, and only seemed to associate with one girl in our hall.  But after some time, we began to find ourselves stuck in the same circle because of church, and I eventually learned who he "really was" - a rich heir of some movie-worthy impressive parents.  Fluent in French, rubbing elbows with the elite, with the duty of a family business on his shoulders.  Constantly flying off in the middle of the week to take care of said business(es).  Having access to these international events that I'd only ever dreamed about, and was quite disenchanted with the whole thing.  Perhaps his name isn't his real name.  Or is one of his many names.  Who knows?

Yet throughout our four years with our infrequent interactions, I didn't pry.  I just kept on hearing second-hand stories and marveling that such things actually did happen in real life.

Our last one-on-one encounter was at our senior appreciation dinner, where we were seated together.  I tried to make small talk (meanwhile, wondering if my carefully thought-out ensemble was up to his standards... probably not to be honest) and ended up asking what his plans were after graduation.  He said things were already planned out for him - he had to take his position in the business.  Instead of asking about the industry (which I am very much interested in), I asked him what his dream was, otherwise.  His response was one rather different than the work that he had been obliged to do.  It was a dream a lot classier - but still just as real - as any of ours, with the same reservations as to whether it would come true.  I smiled, wishing him luck that he would get to do it one day.

Keeping my window open to let in the fresh air and soft sunshine.  This is what home smells like.  Spring is upon us, and it is absolutely beautiful.  If that means exacerbating my pollen allergies, so be it haha

I'm beginning to realize that a lot of what I will end up teaching my kids will be in dispelling the lies that the world tells them.  I pray that God puts His love in them for themselves and for those around them, even when they come home crying because their hearts are "too soft" for the cruel world.  Let them take the blows, and search for ways to understand that hurt leads to hurt, but that they can stop the cycle.  Let them be soft to learn and grow in all directions.  Let them have straight spines and proud shoulders and expressive eyes that see the truth and show that truth to that same world that knocked them down.  I hope they know who to pray to when they don't know what to do, and that they have the guts to walk around a little empty every once in awhile instead of settling for garbage.  I pray that they learn that growing up will not be this grand transformation, but that they'll have to invest in who they want to be every step of the way.  And let them enjoy Your gift of life as Your children.

This city has a certain spirit that sees the beauty in the grey and the mist, and an energy that is uncorrelated with the weather.  A little rain never hurt anyone, anyway.  And when it's sunny, it's absolutely perfect.

If you'll take up an offer, you'll meet some really cool people.  Brave people who did things their way.  I got to listen to some unreleased secret songs from a certain famous Seattle artist off of the music collection of one of their insiders.

The Seattle Chill might be a real thing, but sometimes if you go with the flow it eventually clicks.

I always try to get to class early to get work done and not to be rushed.  This morning this cute guy asked if he could sit with me... I guess there weren't any empty tables around.  But there was pretty much no contact made  (no introduction, what class are you taking, etc.) as he went straight to his textbook and I continued tumblring on my iPad (don't judge).  I had to get to class and managed to say "have a good day" with a smile and eye contact at least......  I wonder if our generation really is at a loss.

At the after-school program where I volunteer, the kids often start out the day with a poetry exercise.  This one kid, who can't be more than 11 or so, has crazy rhyming and vocabulary skills and a sense of flow well beyond his years.  He could be on his way to being an amazing spoken word artist; all it takes is encouragement.  Instead of doing his homework, he spends his time engrossed in a story about a kid trying to save his best friend from galactic forces.  I'd say that's a good use of time.

Another boy (like most of the others who just write about their daily habits) wrote about his parents being sad.  One girl is too shy to show her work and writes in her notebook underneath the table, but she'll still go up front to read it out loud if asked.

Words sometimes are the only proper way to show the world the crags and fissures of you.

- Entering Seattle while Macklemore comes on the radio.

- Little kids at the volunteering site reminding me of Raya.  Way too excited, but that's a good thing.

- Driving over the bridge from Seattle, just before rush hour, and being able to drive a little slow to sneak glimpses of the watercolors of the sound.

- Whipping up chocolate chip cookies in 30 minutes like a boss.

- Praying with a new friend.

- Making the most of the day.  Hectic, but productive in many aspects.

- Possibilities.

I suppose it's true - you will continue to miss someone until one day you just don't.  One day, you just forget that you haven't thought about them in the past 24 hours.  There's no itch, just a small scar.

Apparently he's found someone else.  I've been waiting for this "moment" since the moment we walked away.  And now that it's happened... it's okay, it really is.  I'm okay, in a way that I wouldn't have expected.  In the "I don't need to repeat it to myself like a mantra" okay.  It's time.

I've been trying to write these application essays for ages now, but my writing cortex never seems to want to focus.

I'll be trying to outline why I want to help people, and my fingers will itch to list down all the never-ending reasons why it didn't work out between us.

Once I begin explaining my character-shaping experiences, I want to be honest and say how this whole pre-med process ripped my intellectual confidence in half.

What do I want to do in the future?  How about just end up with a career that proves I didn't waste my time?

Why would I be a good candidate for this school?  Because if I actually knew I had a chance, maybe I would be able to prove myself for once.

"You" need to stop popping into my dreams at random.  You have had nothing to do with my life, and thus have nothing to do with my brain recycling the soup of information from the day and consolidating it for storage.

#neurosciencemajor