As 2013 comes to a close, never has it been more true that I can say that it's been a rough year.  Deaths of loved ones.  Dreams dashed to pieces again and again.  Being used, replaced, taken for granted.  Seeing people slide into what they swore they'd never be.  Becoming more like the world myself with all this bitterness.

I don't know what it is, this feeling that I just need to hibernate until something shakes me awake.  It's almost a new year, and I feel like I'm still crawling around with broken knees.

After a lot of neglect, I knew that I had pushed God aside and so I came to Him briefly again today.  And in the midst of their suffering and punishment (that they brought upon themselves) He kept on repeating, again and again, "I will be their God."  I wouldn't say that I'm happy at this moment, but I know that He still has not left.  If anything, that's enough to keep going.

Maybe my penchant for delayed gratification is developed for each year that I wait forever for my family to wake up to open presents together.

BLD has always liked to ask weird, what-if questions.  During our Senior Fall Break trip, a question was posed to the group - If trying to figure out if someone is right for you, what situation do you imagine trying to fit them in?

Some examples that were given:
- While driving, she would look look over at him in the driver's seat and she'd feel safe.
- He would be entertaining guests at their home and he would turn to his wife (maybe cooking in the kitchen) and she'd naturally join in on the hosting.

And if they just don't fit for some reason, then they aren't the one.  A little silly, but somewhat telling.  Whatever your heart wants is what you will try to formulate, and scenarios go beyond on-paper qualities.  Sometimes, you can just tell - yes or no.

I drew a blank for the longest time.  Then I realized that the ones I could think of... didn't really involve a hypothetical "us" being together.  And if they did actually happen in reality, I'd never get to see them anyway.

- His face breaking into a smile when he hears a song that reminds him of me.
- Chuckling to himself when he hears me being weird from across the room.

Maybe because he's not trying to show me or convince me of anything.  It's just there, that love, that connection that goes beyond proximity and ego.  Something like a secret or a silent prayer just waiting for you in due time.

1.  No matter which location I go to, I somehow always manage to give some worker guy in the produce department the wrong impression.  I just always make circles in the grocery store, okay?  I'm not trying to get your number.

2.  Smartly dressed fathers (moreover smartly dressed fathers that are doing grocery shopping with their kids) give me hope for the future.

Never get stuck in a room with pet lovers.  You will never find an opportune pause to subtly slip away, and you will slowly drown by imbibing your arguments on animal rights and cultural excess.

On a more positive note, this point was made in Bible study today that hit home:  "Heartaches are good because they remind you that you need a Saviour."

There are a handful of friends that I've been able to keep in contact with (who I much appreciate) but there's only so much that can be expressed through a screen - be it with words or even through video chat.  Conversations are almost always "after the fact," after the situations have been mulled over 100 times in order to be articulately and calmly expressed and at that point, they've been about 90% self-solved.

It still takes effort of course to keep up this line of contact, and I've been really growing over the years in learning how to do so.  But I've found that lately there are a lot of people that I've been trying and trying with that just seem to have... forgotten.  Even the ones that I've shared a lot of life with.  It's weird, because I can't pinpoint any particular reason, and so I wonder what went wrong.  And I always draw the same conclusions - I should have been different, or better, or done more.  But like I always say, what can you do if someone wants to leave?  Absolutely nothing.

So what is there to do - just start over... again?

People talk about the slaughter of millions of turkeys every year for Thanksgiving, and the President even pardons a turkey or two every year from being killed.  But what about pine trees?

Isn't it such a waste to chop down a tree that'll be up for a month at the most?  How many resources are we wasting for this tradition?  After Christmas, so many trees are left unsold in some parking lot and dragged off to the chopper.  It's totally unnecessary.  If we actually let these trees grow, imagine how much better the air would be, for one.  Don't people know how beautiful big trees are?  Why don't we just decorate our trees outside and let them grow as they're meant to?